It's a Bird! It's a Plane! It's -

I'm someone who does not believe in Writer's Block. It's a term people use to suggest they're "locked up" and can't continue writing until some magical outside force, or muse, comes along and smacks them upside the head with a silly, sparkling wand.

Usually all that happens if you sit around and wait for that wand is moss grows on your ass and you eventually get something in your eye.

I do, however, believe in:

Writer's Procrastination. A condition wherein the Writer feels fussy and fidgety like a 3-month old with gas, and manages to find a plethora of "more important things" to get done, all while saying "I really have to get some writing done."

Writer's Depression. The feeling that everything one writes is crap, while everyone around them acquires agents and six-figure advances. This is most often brought on by a Form Rejection, opened and read the same day the Writer learns OJ's book Damn Straight, I Did It is sitting on the NY Times Bestsellers list.

Writer's Panic. The sudden realization that one's plot has just taken a left turn when it was designed to angle right and upward. This often leaves the Writer with a sense of confusion, disorientation and a little nausea until the plot once again hits pavement and makes forward motion.

Writer's Wall. Often no more than a simple attack of hormones or brief wave of emotional self-doubt that causes the Writer to question the plot, character development, logic and flow of the story. Typically this causes a solid, well thought out plot to suddenly and inexplicably make little to no sense.

The cure for all of these ailments is basically the same: Write. Keep writing. Don't stop writing. Plough through the bad times, plough through the fears and doubts, plough right on through that depression like a little old lady who has no business driving a car, who's just mistaken the brake for the accelerator and sent her car careening through an open-air market, flinging peaches and squashing watermelon like there was no tomorrow.

Eventually, maybe even that same day, you'll come out the other side with a progressing novel and a little pear pulp on the wipers.

But there is one thing . . . One roadblock that can stop even the strongest Writers in their tracks. It comes out of nowhere, can sneak up and take you completely by surprise, and interferes with your writing with a force of will too stalwart to overcome.

It is - -




Writer's Cat.




If you're ever stricken with Writer's Cat, there's really no hope for you. It's best to remain calm, and take this opportunity to read over the parts of your novel that you've managed to write and do a little internal editing. Take this opportunity to reflect and review. See if that paragraph came out the way you'd planned, make sure you remembered to include those character thoughts you wanted to use.

And wait for the mailman to bring you the Tea.