I call Bullshit on that!

I should just chalk this up to hormones. I was checking some agent blogs one morning, and one of them had posted a query that recently landed a new writer a great deal with a major publisher, and you know what?

I thought it was pathetic.

Now that's just my opinion, and it isn't a genre I would read anyway. But what killed me was reading this query and thinking to myself "That's a pretty lame query. It seemed to wander, sounded cliché, and what a silly premise." But the agent fell instantly in love, and kudos for this author.

That's one thing we're taught about queries - make them stand out. Make them grab the agent's attention. They have to hook instantly and never let go. They have to be short, and to the point, while also entertaining and tempting enough to make the agent want to read more right away. You have to condense your entire 100k+ novel into about two paragraphs and show them why this story is both like the other books this agent represents, and vastly different than anything they've read before.

Yeah.

Oh, and the best part is when you read an agent's blog detailing what they look for in a query and what they hate - then they post one that "ignored all the rules about what makes a good query but this one really caught my eye - now they have a 4-book 6-figure deal with Putnam."

Great.

Everyone tells you if you can write a novel, you can write your query. Well I call Bullshit on that. The query is the hardest thing you'll ever write in your entire career. Worse even than that eulogy for Aunt Edna. You've just penned a novel at around 103,000 words, with deep, interesting characters, an amazingly beautiful and twisting plot with lovely and interesting side-plots along the way. A story that leads the reader down a wonderful path of discovery wherein they fall desperately in love with your characters. There's intrigue, deception, revelation, discovery, and lots of little bits along the way.

Now describe that to someone who already doesn't want to bother reading it. And make it clear and concise. Oh, and make sure you mention how different it is than anything else out there. Also include why I should want to read it, what makes YOU special. Mention why you decided to query ME, why I am the perfect agent for your story, and why you were the perfect writer for this tale. Hook me with the first sentence. Oh, and do all of this in just three sentences, including your contact information.

Then give me 9 months or more to get back to you. m'kay?