The Truth about Fiction *

I'm too old to apologize, so I'm just going to say it: I watch NCIS.

Okay, so there's this story line they have that really REALLY makes me crazy. They have a character become a published author. Which, on the surface, is fine. Most of us - I'd go so far as to say a good 60% of us - write as a second job. Or at least do not count on writing as our sole source of income.

And I'm talking about fiction. Non-fiction writers are a whole different breed, and many - if not most - of them can and do make a living at this.

But this guy . . . this fictional character . . . is being done so over the top it's maddening.

They show him as having written what can only be classified as a dime detective novel - excerpts of which are so badly done, it's laughable - and he wrote it in secret. Okay so far. But what really pushes me over the edge is the fact that they've written him as having been paid a HUGE advance, then becoming so famous, he's recognized by people on the street.

That's what has my head spinning.

Yes, it's a TV show. Yes, he's a fictional character, this isn't real, yada yada yada. But I'm willing to bet there are police officers out there who go nuts watching television get it wrong. I know there are doctors, nurses, and general medical professionals who shake their heads every time someone is shown flat lining and being resuscitated. I know for a fact there are real CSI's out there who can't even stand to watch CSI.

So give me this one frustration.

The truth about writing fiction, especially if you're a first timer, is so far removed from that. In reality, if you've just penned your very first fantabulastic novel, managed to rise above the millions to be that top 3 percent who land an agent, then climbed your way to the top 1 percent of those and net a publisher, then got offered a glorious contract for your precious little darling . . . Nine times out of ten, you'll get an advance anywhere from $0.00 to $5,000 on average.

Yes, there are exceptions. Some get more than that 5 thousand. A very RARE and special few will net a six-figure advance. I know a few who did.

I know more who didn't.

Truth is, even if you net an agent, and a publishing contract, you're gonna want to keep that day job. If you're extremely lucky, you'll get some sort of advance, but don't plan on ordering that Ferarri or trying on those custom made Italian leather jackets.

What bugs me about that character on NCIS is the fact that they're perpetuating a myth that so many of us are struggling against. Like swimming upstream, I had yet another long explanation session with my mother - who, along with my stepfather, are under the impression that if you publish something, you're an automatic millionaire.

Of course, they also want to know how much it "costs" you to get a book published, why you can't just "get published" if you wrote something, and they also think if you "sign a contract" you've just signed your life, soul, and hard earned money away.

So, they don't quite understand much of it. But I think a lot of people are just like that. And this stupid character is adding fuel to a fire I've been trying to put out for so long. Writers are not filthy rich (unless you're the top .5 percent and your name is Grisham or Patterson).

There are exceptions, of course. But I'm not talking about them. I'm talking about the majority.

A majority who are gonna earn a few thousand advance, then spend sleepless nights worried that they'll never earn out that advance and start making royalty money - which would mean the chances of them having a second novel published are shaky, at best.

I think this is why so many writers don't talk about writing, except with other writers.

And oddly enough, if given the choice between having ONE novel published and making a small fortune vs having one or two SERIES published and earning only modest royalties - I'd pick the second option.

Seriously.

But feel free to throw money at me, I mean really, I'm not that stupid :D



*the following has been a Vicoden-induced post. Though I still have very little feeling in my right hand, it is on the mend. If I've made no sense, at least I was smiling when I wrote this*